October 16, 2020

By Sky Steele Clinical Psychologist

What does it mean to be strong? So often people think that others are strong based on what they see in their external behaviour. But if that person is paddling like a duck under the surface, crying themselves to sleep at night, and feeling anything but strong then can we truly judge strength by what we see? And would it be helpful to attempt to see past the mask of strength in order to support the people who may need it the most because their external façade of strength belies their silent suffering?

Strength grows each time we are forced to face difficult circumstances in life. It grows out of necessity to survive. It builds as we overcome obstacles. It develops as we force ourselves to put one foot in front of the other when everything seems too hard. It allows us to successfully navigate the ups and downs of life that are inevitably thrown our way.

My own strength has grown over many years and from numerous personal challenges. From the death of my mother in my twenties, through the roller coast of IVF, the challenges of having triplets, an acrimonious divorce, losing friendships, single parenting, the death of my father, and more, I have faced my fair share of character building events.

Through all of these obstacles, what choice did I have but to pick myself up and carry on with my life? Dragging myself through these life changing events often felt like I was drowning in quicksand. There were days when I didn’t actually have the strength to fight my way out of the fog. There were times when I crawled into a hole and let the world keep on spinning around me. I certainly did not always feel like I could muster the strength to make it through some of the darkest days. But I did. Step by painful step. I put one foot in front of the other and somehow made it through. And each time I did, a layer of strength encased me and people started to view me as this amazingly strong woman who didn’t need their help in picking up the pieces. But was the façade hiding something?

This is the problem with strength. It can also create barriers to connecting with those around us. Onlookers see the outside façade and observe from afar, believing that that person doesn’t need anything from anyone else. And strong people who have relied on themselves through the hard times can find it difficult to let down the barriers, to allow others in, and this can lead to feelings of isolation and loneliness as they struggle to manage their vulnerabilities in the vacuum of their own strength.

“What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.” “Be strong.” “You’ve got this.” We’ve all used these statements and often they are useful. But why do we always have to be strong? Why do we try so hard to hide our vulnerability? And why do we encourage others to lose touch of their own frailties?

Maybe people are scared of showing the chinks in their armour because society tells us that this is weak. Maybe we are afraid to shatter the illusion of the strength of others because we don’t know how to respond.

I want to give permission to everyone to allow their vulnerabilities to be exposed sometimes. And I give permission to people to take a little peak behind the armour that “strong people” have built up around them. Invite them to be vulnerable, you might be giving them the greatest gift by providing a space for them to speak their truth.

I want to shout out to everyone that it’s ok to not always be strong. It’s ok to feel fragile and in need of support. It’s ok to be…actually human!