October 16, 2020

By Sky Steele Clinical Psychologist

Knowing yourself is more than just knowing what foods you like or don’t like, its about getting in touch with the inner you, the you that’s behind the mask.

For many of us we spend our time outwardly focused, observing others and ensuring we are being liked and loved. For some of us we shift and change according to what we perceive others expect of us to remain within the circle of our tribe.

But what if you were able to look deeper? To unpeel the layers and expose YOU to the world. What could be possible? How much more could you give? Our limits as humans are endless and yet we confine ourselves to the imagined prison we perceive in our minds.

Throughout our life we create rules in which we live by. Some of them serve a purpose and yet many of them don’t. Rules such as:

“you can’t wear that you look too fat”

“you can’t say that what will people think”

“you can’t post that people will judge you”

“you can’t achieve that you’re not good enough”

“you can’t have that (insert relationship, job etc) you’re not worthy”

Blah blah blah….. the rules seem endless and exhausting. And for some of us the more we engage in them the more we move away from the person we truly want to be.

Two things I have noticed about this.

1. We think by following the rules we will be liked, loved and accepted. Wrong!!! There will always be people who don’t like us, that will judge us. This is inevitable.

2. The more we try to be what others want us to be the more sad, anxious, angry, resentful, lonely, disconnected we become. Why? Because we are not CHOOSING the life we want to live.

Does any of this sound familiar to you? Now when I say choose you, I don’t mean saying a big “fuck you” to everyone else and forgetting about being kind to others. What I mean is:

• setting boundaries

• saying no sometimes

• being mindful you are just as important as everybody else and your needs matter too

• choosing to live your life according to your values NOT others standards

• standing out amongst the crowd, being UNIQUELY YOU

• there may be the occasional “fuck you” but hey we are only human right!!!

Take a pen and a piece of paper and I encourage you to write down your values. What are the things that are the most important to you in your life right now? It’s about taking a deeper look within and starting to ask the questions who am I and what life do I want to create?

For a lot of us this can be very confronting. For me when I first did this I wrote I am a mum, friend, daughter, wife, psychologist. But what I neglected to write was I AM SKY! I have since completed this task with so many clients and the missing link is always the same. I get given the role or title someone plays out in life but I don’t ever get their name, the person behind the masks.

Now for me personally this step of remembering I am sky was the most important. You see unless we see ourselves, unless we acknowledge who we are and accept ourselves as whole, beautiful, worthy human beings then we stay stuck behind the masks, trapped in our minds with the door open but the inability to leave.

I used to think once I loved myself I will be able to choose me. What I’m learning is the opposite is true. The more I choose me the more I love myself.  Now I can almost hear you screaming at the computer screen right now saying “yeah right, if I would I could”, “that’s just too hard”, “I’ve tried I can’t do it”, “I get too anxious”, “I feel guilty”!!!

My answer is still YES YOU CAN! Start small to aim big. Think about the following:

1. Your in a hurry to get to work and you don’t have time to eat, STOP, BREATHE and grab a piece of fruit. Guess what YOU JUST CHOSE YOU!

2. Your friend wants you to come over right now she/he needs you. Let them know you will be there but you are just finishing the thing you are doing first (even if its only 1min longer). Guess what YOU JUST CHOSE YOU!

3. Someone offers to buy you lunch and says they are getting pizza or Thai You hate Thai. You make a decision and say pizza would be great. Guess what YOU JUST CHOSE YOU.

4. Someone asks you to do something you don’t want to do. Take a big deep breath, leap of faith and say NO. Guess what YOU JUST CHOSE YOU.

Big or small doesn’t matter. What matters is making decisions based on your needs, your values and what will lead you towards the life you are creating for YOU.

I guarantee you may feel anxious, I guarantee you may feel guilty, I guarantee the mind chatter will still be there. Guess what? Whether we live our lives according to our own values or follow blindly the chatter and rules in our heads we still have all those feelings. Why? Because it is part of the human experience. To feel ALL the feelings.

One thing I can almost guarantee is the more you choose you, the more fulfilled, happy and confident you will feel because at the core you will be being UNIQUELY YOU!

Who will you choose today? I’d love to know?